Me and my demon

How do I describe my demon? I don’t imagine it as a scary creature with horns and tail. It would have been easier to handle. This demon is just darkness that envelops me and tricks me into thinking that that is the safest place in the world. It makes sense though, I created it for that very purpose.

Creation

Let’s call my first encounter with demons as ‘family curse’ (FC). FC masked itself as wisdom that comes with anger, enabling (dysfunction) and rejection. Sometimes FC gets so strong that it literally suck the happiness out of my childhood. But I didn’t have a choice, I just have to endure and live with it. I grew up thinking that I am not enough and that love, favor and attention comes with a price, a dance with FC. I love my parents deeply and God knows how I long for their unconditional love, but FC breaks me. So as I try to understand why I have to deal with it, I didn’t know I was growing mine.

Ironically, I thought I was living a life deserving of a place in heaven. I thought being close to God means silence, compliance, and apathy for self.

That was my norm. I thought I was an ideal child.

Growth

It was never my intention to let my demon grow. I was not even aware of it.

But to be able to survive, I needed an escape, a place to bury the questions, confusion and pain. An environment with no judgement and conditions. A space I can control.

As an adult, I found my way around demons… tolerate others’ and run to mine. I’d rather over feed my demon with unreleased pain than assert myself and risk a confrontation. People see a kind, calm, and easy version of me, not knowing how messy I am becoming inside. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a bad person. I will not reach this far if I didn’t have a good relationship with God. My heart is pure and almost always, my intentions are for the best. But there’s one question that if God asks me today, I can’t look straight into His eyes, “Did you really love yourself?”

Hatred is what I feel now knowing how convinced I am that I should always put myself last. But you know, God is so good that He always lifts me up and reminds me that I deserve better. He fights my fight and strategically placed angels to defend me.

Awareness

What I thought was my safe space and escape started choking me. That was the time I became aware that it was actually demon that I created. Too late to avoid, I convinced myself that as long as I can keep it inside, I can just ignore its tight grip, getting stronger everyday.

To my surprise, the darkness and pain that I was trying to hide all these years manifested one day in my relationships. When I was about to accept my fate and die with this darkness that used to be my refuge, it started controlling me. And that was the last straw. I will never allow my demon affect my family. And if it already did, at least I can still do something about it.

Healing

For now I do not know how or where to start. I’d still prefer hiding in the darkness however cold it is there than exposing myself.

But one thing’s for sure, I have to start starving my demon to death before it’s too late. Now, letting go of it became part of my purpose.

In English and Poetry

I came across this post in threads where the phrase “In English, we say… In poetry, we say...” was used to compare direct and concise everyday English language to a more creative way of conveying the same thought.  Instantly, I wanted to create my own despite the work messages expecting for my reply and chores waiting for my attention. And yes being the stubborn person that I am (and hey! who says I’m not creative), I was able to come up with four (4) phrases and dedicate it to the following:

To our Lord God Almighty who has always been my constant and always leave me speechless to the ineffable beauty of life He is giving me.

In English, we say: “I’m here for you.”
But in poetry, we say: “You see my pain even before tears fall from my eyes. And as I open my lips to call Your Name, you are already beside me protecting me from what’s causing it.”

To my husband who is my strength and certainty. My one and only love.

In English, we say: “I love you.”
But in poetry, we say: “You pop into my head in silence and chaos, in every conquered peak, gastronomic experience, good conversations, cities I’ve fallen in love with, in every failure, and every mental and emotional downhill.”

To each of my children whose mere existence is more than enough to give me profound joy and a sense of purpose.

In English, we say: “You changed my life.”
But in poetry, we say: “The moment your heartbeat started pulsing inside me, I knew your presence will reverberate through the ensuing decades until my last breath.”

And to the person who I wished with all my heart to have SEEN me, especially those times that I fought for attention and deep understanding.

In English, we say: “I give up.”
But in poetry, we say: “My soul has longed for your presence all these years, but now I understand that the void will remain forever.”

Paris is sweeter the second time around

Ok, I take back most of what I said on this post Paris in my eyes. I think the location of your accommodation (and the weather) can make or break the whole experience. The last time we were there, we were booked near the Charles de Gaulle Airport which is more than an hour away from the city via train. That means we cannot stay at night because of the train’s operational hours. We missed the beauty of Paris at night!

This time, we were able to navigate through different Rues (Paris streets) thanks to our hotel which is a walking distance from Champs-Élysées, Arc de Triomphe and Eiffel Tower! I also think that the availability of restaurant reviews online made it less intimidating to try new restaurants and no more hit or miss thanks to ratings. Yes it was cold and it rained a couple of times, but I’d rather have that than walk around on a hot weather (like we did 13 years ago).

For this trip, we were able to go inside the Louvre museum and finally see Mona Lisa. We also went to the Basilica of Sacré-Cœur de Montmartre and went up the Eiffel tower for the first time. Finally, Brussels made it to our itinerary which is just an hour away from Paris via Eurostar. All in all, it was a great experience and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of going back.

Holy Monday 2024

Few hours after attending the Night prayer at The Westminster Abbey on a Holy Monday, at exactly 2:10am, I am in an apartment in London writing about it. Call it my first Visita Iglesia in Europe for Holy Week 2024. I was so fascinated at the interior of the Westminster Abbey that I tried to capture a photo as a remembrance but failed because I was caught and reminded that it was not allowed. (I saw a lot of people doing the same though).

Anyway, it was surreal being in a place where Royalty events like Coronation were held. 

It was definitely the perfect place to thank the Lord for having the chance to see London again after 14 years.

Courage

One of my favorite descriptions of  Courage is from an American author, Jim Butcher. He said that “Courage is about learning how to function despite the fear, to put aside your instincts to run or give in completely to the anger born from fear. Courage is about using your brain and your heart when every cell of your body is screaming at you to fight or flee—and then following through on what you believe is the right thing to do.” 

Because for me, despite my weaknesses and all the uncertainties in the world, I have chosen, over and over, to live my life with courage. I have changed homes, changed careers, been to many places, learned and unlearned a lot of things, became a follower, entrusted as a leader, business owner, a life partner and a parent of four. And to top it all, we uprooted ourselves and left our good life in the Philippines.

The idea of transferring to a first world country gave me mixed emotions. But the excitement of being in a new place and the idea of giving our children more opportunities and a better future overshadowed the fear of facing the unknown. First few months were definitely a honeymoon stage. I loved the idea of experiencing 4 seasons instead of 2, experiencing the comfort and consumerism in America, and enjoying the vacation-like feeling of discovering another country. 

All fun, you bet, until we realized that we should start working on our responsibilities as a lawful permanent resident. Tax, social security, insurance, health care, credit score, bank account, driver’s license, own a house, children’s school… and the list goes on. Things that we either have long ago established in PH (that does not matter here) or those that we don’t even have/do in PH. Imagine cramping your to do list from teenage years to adulthood in months just to keep up. 

And then you think about your family, relatives, friends and colleagues in the Philippines. The food you grew up eating, the places you love going to, the people you can depend on, the reunion and parties that you never miss, and the Christmas season that starts September. Also, the things that we enjoy here in America that we can’t even share with the people we care about back home. White Christmas is not worth it after all. 

And then covid.

Many times we have considered giving this all up. But, weighing the pros and cons, our children’s future still tops our priority list. 

Ending this blog with a quote from President Biden; 

“Every immigrant comes to America from different circumstances and for different reasons. But like previous generations of immigrants…. there is at least one common trait: Courage. It takes courage to leave behind everything you have ever known – your homes, lives, and loved ones – and start a new life in another country.”

I have made the decision to give up my country of birth for good. Courage wins again.

The Leader You’re Destined To Be

One of my favorite questions asked during our Meet the Founders activity is, “What is your advice to aspiring leaders?”

Most of us, if not all, have a leader we look up to. Those leaders’ qualities can vary from being visionary, assertive and charismatic to authentic, compassionate and resilient. And because those leaders have been successful in their own right, we mistakenly associate success with their personalities. 

I answered the question with two points. 

Number 1, an aspiring leader should know his/her strengths and bank on it. Leaders need to understand and manage themselves in order to lead. 

“The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight; for others, a lamplit desk.” – Quiet by Susan Cain

For instance, if you are an introvert and structured leader, do not force yourself to have daily spontaneous discussions or small talk with your team, else that would burn you out and will reflect on how you deal with your people. Instead, provide a venue where you can communicate with them on a scheduled basis to make sure that your emotional bank is full. On the other hand, if you’re fun loving and creative, stop pretending to be formal and strict. Maintaining your non-negotiable is enough for the team to know the boundaries.

Number 2, leadership is service not the other way around. Best description for me is The Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt;

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

As a leader, you have to be less of a critic and more of a doer. It is your responsibility to find and know your people, understand the battle you are leading and go through that battle with your team. 

Since our Meet the Founder activity has time constraint, I made sure to discuss these points focusing on the mindset instead of the implementation. Leadership is a continuous process of learning and unlearning and I am a work in progress myself. After reading a lot of leadership books and going through my own experiences, a discussion on how to be an effective leader deserves a book of its own. 

Meet the ProFounders (Propelrr Founders)

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

– President John Quincy Adams

Meet the Founders is an event in Propelrr where we provide a venue for new team members to know us Founders outside of work. We wanted them to feel comfortable being with us and at the same time we also wanted them to share other aspects of their lives. When we were still in the Philippines, this was an advantage that employees had with us, that we were always within reach.

The one hour activity (that usually ends more) starts with 3-4 participants sharing what they feel at the moment and what is one thing that most people do not know about them. Most of their answers, so far, is that they’re both excited and nervous. My initial reaction is why would they be nervous? But then I realized this is why we are doing this activity, to make the employees feel comfortable whenever we’re around. 

Then, we are introduced by the admin team, both mentioning our professional achievements and personal biases and preferences. I shared that I love travel, food and books, I am an e-heads fan and that I love fragrance products.

We then proceed to our Q&A where the admin team prepared questions behind numbers that both the ProFounders and participants will choose from. The questions can vary from trivial to professional. One of the questions I always end up with is the last book I’ve read that made me cry or had an impact on my life. I shared two books in the last four MTF activities we had, The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini and Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey.

My favorite part of the activity is when the team members are given the opportunity to ask us any question. The admin team during the planning stage thought that running this activity for months (every Friday) will end up monotonous (for us regular attendees at least). Surprisingly, the questions raised by the participants each session are so unique that the facilitators always finish in awe. Feedback from the participants made me realize that I have so much to share, be it advice, experience or recommendations that inspired me to start blogging again. 

And finally to cap off the activity, we as Founders were asked to give any piece of advice and message to the team. 

Looking back, how I wish I had the chance to experience this with my previous employers. It would have been a scary experience to ask the President of the Philippine National Oil Company – EDC how he starts his day. The sleepless nights I might have had before I get to ask Mr. Enrique Razon his advice for aspiring entrepreneurs or how many hours he usually sleeps in a day. Or ask the Head of Litton Mills (JG Summit) the books he recommends or the places he enjoyed traveling. At the very least, picking their brains and them putting a face to my name. I’m sure the anxiety of having to interact with them will all be worth it.

If you are head of the HR or the whole organization, I suggest you have this as part of your onboarding process. You have no idea how your team member would like to have a chance to know you more.

Propelrr in Bangkok

It is an achievement for Propelrr to bring all its regular employees to Bangkok, Thailand. It was quite an experience because we did not limit ourselves to the usual itinerary, meaning, it was a combination of planned tour and spontaneous trip. From train to Tuk Tuk (motor taxi), to rented van and river boats, even elephant ride. We’ve tried (as much as we can) varieties of Thai food, be it street food, mall food or buffet on a cruise. And oh, shopping!

We stayed at Bangkok Christian Guest House. The rooms are spacious and clean. It is also close to train station, mall and night market.

In three days and three nights, we were able to do shopping at Chatuchak Market, Patpong Night market and Siam paragon, see Jim Thompson Museum, ride river boat to Grand Palace, experience a luxurious River Cruise, and Ayutthaya Day tour. Fun-and-activity-filled, but yes, still a lot of reasons to go back.

More importantly, we were able to forget about work and enjoy each other’s company. We hope to see more faces with us next time.

prop1                          River Cruise

prop2                          Ayuthaya

Joy for Sadness

Lately I’ve been feeling a little lost. I know what I’m doing but I don’t know where I’m heading at. I wanted to give more and do more but it seems that circumstances are dragging me to a different direction. A direction I am not familiar, more so confident, with.

I am pushing myself to be happy, convincing myself that I should be enjoying every single day. Don’t get me wrong, I am contented with what I have now. Seeing my husband and children bursts my heart.

But, there are just times that I’m not at my best…

Then here comes the movie, Inside out.

“Crying helps me slow down and obsess over the weight of life’s problems.”—Sadness (the voice of reason)

I realized that one has to go through with this emotion too…

Then I’ll bounce back happier and more determined.

Jump, not!

I’ve been hearing a lot of people raving about how liberating it is to follow one’s passion and jump at any chance they can get. Wrong!

Have they told you the preparation and support group that have been laid out for them (with or without their knowledge) to equip them to pursue what they wanted in life?

Let’s not focus on that jump because it will come out naturally, focus on laying down the path from your comfort zone to that scary cliff. Because you’d rather take it slow, than make excuses after.