As I aged 10 years more, Enchanted Kingdom has surprisingly maintained its features, rides and attractions. It was the very same place I saw a decade ago, except for the kart track, paintball and some additional food stalls. I was a month pregnant then, though it was not a disadvantage because I don’t really like those rides much due to my motion sickness. Funny how the baby in my stomach at that time turned out to be my opposite. I can’t help but feel dizzy and really worry as I watched my 10 year old son ride the Flying Fiesta 4 times, Anchor’s Away 7 times, Jungle Log Jam twice and all the other rides once. Yes! He even tried the Space Shuttle and was really relieved when he learned that he was tall enough to be allowed to. Huh?! As for me, being 7 months pregnant this time, I was again saved from the pressure that my husband, kids and siblings could have given me just to try those attractions that I won’t dare ride even in my wildest dreams. All in all, though we missed Mabelle and her family, it was a fun experience and I am just glad that EK has successfully preserved their park grounds and attractions so that my children were able to see, experience and enjoy them more than I did a decade ago.

“There’s no such thing as accident” they say, but if that’s the case, what do you call those 2 deaths happening a few days before the Eheads reunion concert? The first one happened last year when the first reunion concert finally pushed through. Everything was about to go smoothly until Ely Buendia’s mom died. I thought the concert will be canceled or at least postponed, fortunately (or unfortunately) it did not. A few months after, with Ely’s condition a lot better, the 2nd reunion concert which they call the ‘final set’ is about to take place tomorrow. Again, rehearsals and preparations were doing great, as confirmed by Raymund Marasigan’s message in Sandwich’s yahoogroup, not until this afternoon when Francis Magalona died. Well, the death of the master rapper would not really affect the concert to a big extent, though he was supposed to be a “special guest” in the concert, doing the rap part of the song “Superproxy.” More than being a guest actually, have you given this question a thought, ‘who is Francis M to Eheads?’ I think it was like asking who’s Ely’s mom to the group. I do want to play innocent and treat it as something which is just ‘scheduled’ to happen. Period. But I just can’t help but wonder why there should be a death of someone close to Eheads happening before their two reunion concerts. Does that mean that the final set should really be the final set? Or is that again a warning to Ely and his health? Did Francis M saved Ely from death this time like what could have happened when Ely’s mom passed away? All I can do now is pray that the concert will finally reach its end successfully, even if I won’t be there this time because I am 7 months pregnant and obviously not allowed to watch the concert. To Eheads, break a leg! To Ely, good health! To Ely’s mom and Francis M, peace! Amen! Tiyak yon! Amen!

Last March 1 was my eldest son’s 10th birthday and much to our luck (which turned out to be the opposite), it was the same day for Baguio’s Panagbenga Festival. From Pangasinan where my husband had a previous engagement, we packed our things on Feb 28 and went straight to Baguio. Our first stop was Mine’s View because I was hoping I could get some Ube Jam at Good Shepherd and eat my favorite grilled corn. And because the traffic was terrible, my husband was forced to just park the car elsewhere thus we ended up walking up hill. Next stop was Camp John Hay. We did a lot of shopping there and finally had our dinner. Have we thought of accommodations? Yes, we were planning to get one after a few more shopping at Camp John Hay. Finally, we left the place and started looking for a hotel. One by one, we went to all the hotels that Baguio has to offer. And one by one they refused to accommodate us because they were already fully booked for the upcoming festival. Being pregnant and all, I felt what it was like when Mary and Joseph were looking for a place that could accommodate them for the night. With my stomach bulging and my husband at my back, I was asking each receptionist if they have available rooms where we could spend the night. Getting all negative answers, we finally gave up and decided to just leave Baguio and go back to Pangasinan (at Gary’s family house) where we could spend the night instead. Frustrating and tiring it may seem, we still did enjoy the trip and hopefully next time we could get an early hotel booking.

My fifth month of pregnancy is almost over and I think I am being hit by prenatal depression. Most of it actually involves patience. Like for instance the gender of the baby. I can’t wait for a couple of weeks to know if our baby’s a boy or a girl. This hinders me from experiencing the excitement of finalizing a name and from buying baby things. Well, actually I do have a female name in mind and I plan to tell Gary about it as soon as we learn that we really are having a baby girl.

Next is my growing fear of not being able to go back to work without me being able to do anything about it. It’s because I don’t think it is advisable for me to go through the hiring process with my stomach bulging. That means I have to wait a couple of months before I can seriously start looking for a job. Yes I love staying at home, attending to my family’s needs and believe it or not earning big (though big is a relative word), but then I realized I am more productive when accompanied with all of those, I am still pursuing a career. Besides, my social life is dying, though I am not really sure if it’s because of literally staying at home and not going out of our condo or because of zero SMB lights nights due to my pregnancy.

Another frustration is not being able to do my beauty regimen. That includes hair relax, body spa and massage, facial and a whole lot more that I am not willing to divulge. (haha!) Imagine I can’t even wear my favorite perfume because I hate the smell of it now. Not even my favorite St. Ives facial wash. I am just so thankful that my nose hasn’t ballooned yet, no pimples showing and my neck hasn’t changed its color. But then again, I don’t feel confident about myself.

This baby is really teaching me the value of patience and has been keeping me on my toes for what could happen in the near future. As of now, all I could really do is WAIT WAIT and WAIT and have the most of what I am enjoying right now… which surprisingly is a bit depressing.

It’s a little bit weird seeing everyone so busy buying items for exchange gifts and preparing for Christmas party while I am busy paying bills, thinking about what to serve on the table and buying what my children and husband needs. Well, you see, I have been a corporate slave since 2001 and my body seems to be looking for that Christmas rush. I may still have a couple of things to buy this Christmas like gifts for family, relatives and godchildren, not to mention Santa Claus’ list for Zach, (Marcus already knows about it so he just gets a gift from me) but there’s no rush for it, knowing that I have all the time in the world.

This made me realize that being a full time housewife is a lot more serious decision than I thought it would be. Being at home and not knowing when to be back in the corporate world (that is if I’ll ever be back), the world I have known for many years, is like losing that grip of who I am as a person. Or should I say who I used to be for so long. I did not realize that changing careers would be like changing personalities.

Staying at home is a lot more complicated, though compensation is beyond monetary terms. You don’t get any appraisal at the end of the year, meaning you don’t get any feedback of how you are as a mother and wife. I guess those can be realized after you see your children grow up and learn who they come to be in the future. Risky, yes, but when they start telling stories to you like a friend does to another or just kiss and hug you for no reason at all, it all becomes worth it.

I am now in the midst of thinking if I should not lose that grip of being a corporate person or finally accept that my future is geared towards serving my kids and husband’s needs full time. I don’t have any answer yet, but I know God has been leading me to where I should be. I guess it’s all a matter of patience and acceptance.

My college batch mates, specifically those coming from Tomas-Glen’s Nuptial (from UST-IE batch 2001 also), decided to continue the party at Hooters, located at the back of Mall of Asia. I decided to join them realizing that it has been years since I made myself available to spend time with them. Honestly I was not really comfortable with the place they chose imagining girls with big boobs serving us food. More than that, as what I’ve seen in the movies, I expect men wearing leather jacket, long beard and holding beer mugs outnumbers the crowd. But then I realized, what can I do, it was my batch mates’ choice and I was just invited. Relieved when I entered the restaurant, normal, decent and mostly young people populates the area. Yes, the waitresses were wearing very short orange shorts and plunging sleeveless shirts but they were not as boobsy and pretty as I imagined them to be. Bad as you may describe me but they really are not. What about the food? I think they’re overpriced. Their prices are comparable to that of TGIF’s minus the presentation and ambience. So I guess the cleavages and legs that these waitresses flaunt are not free after all. All in all the experience was good, having the chance to get updates from my college friends and relieved that biker-looking men are nowhere to be found. Haha!

Almost two months of being a full-time housewife and mother gave me realizations that I guess mothers cannot fully understand not until they’ve experienced BEING at home.

• There is no such thing as ENOUGH time spent with children… the more you spend time with them, the more you realize they need more of your presence and attention.
• To know them is TO BE with them.
• Asking someone to look after your children is delegating a very big responsibility.
• You will never run out of errands at home, from bills to grocery to repairs to processing papers… the list goes on…
• Not because you’re the parent and you provide everything your children needs mean that you should push your children to follow all the rules you set at home. Be flexible enough to adjust the rules based on your child’s personality and environment he’s exposed to, without of course sacrificing the values you want to impart. Sometimes all they need is understanding and everything will be ok.
• Patience is really a virtue.
• Looking after and taking care of your children brings out the best in them, not the material things that we thought would matter.

I know I’ll be learning a lot more the coming months ahead. Yes it’s not easy to give out all your effort and time serving your children and husband but I am happy that I’m doing it and I believe soon I will see the positive effects of me being at home.

Loss no. 1: The death of my grandfather has obviously caught me unguarded. Even after the stroke and being comatose for several days, I was hoping and believing that he can still recover. The last time I saw him, a day before he died, he was noticeably looking better. I was even planning to take a leave of absence to be able to visit him again. Shocked by my mom’s call, almost 1 am of July 22, she confirmed that my grandfather peacefully left this world to meet his Creator. True, as they say, that losing forever a love one is difficult to accept, more so, difficult to believe. A week after my grandfather’s burial, thinking that Col. Alfredo L. Cayton, Sr. is already gone is still unimaginable.

Loss no.2: Telling my father what I feel is something you do not expect from me to do. I was always scared of him and pleasing him was my only objective just to get his attention. But few weeks ago was a different story, he made me so angry and frustrated that I unintentionally blurted out facts that burdened me almost my entire life. Now, apologies have been said, I know things will never be the same again. Relief on my side, I realized that I don’t really have to forget about myself just to be good in his eyes.

Loss no.3: Giving up my job is a serious decision to make especially now that prices are continuously increasing. It was actually a difficult decision for me, but instincts and circumstances have been dictating that I should not wait any longer. A favorite line from that turtle in Kung Fu Panda, ‘There’s no such thing as accident,’ made me realize that unpleasant things happen because it pushes you to go out of your comfort zone. Now that my resignation letter has been submitted, I’ve never been relieved and happy for the past several months.

And now after all these losses that made me sad, relieved, happy and excited… I ask myself… Quo Vadis? Where do I go from here?

Lately I am having a change of heart. I used to think that I cannot be a full time housewife because lack of brain activity will kill me. But now, I am on the verge of resigning because of these two adorable kids waiting for me everyday as I come home from work. Maybe I just needed a break. Maybe I would just want to experience having nothing to think about but my husband and kids for a couple of months. Maybe God is telling me that my kids need my time more than the money I take home each month. I don’t know. All I know is that I would want to spend more time with my kids each day. And guess what, my husband feels the same way too… ahahah…

Sometimes there are disadvantages of making your place of abode comfortable and technology supported because you end up not wanting to leave for work anymore. What would be better than waking up late, chat and surf in the internet for hours, eat anytime and anything I want, swim, play psp and watch tv? And far more greater than that is being able to see my kids everyday as they do their thing or just follow me anywhere I go. Everyday I wake up, I drag myself to take a bath and prepare for work because I wouldn’t want to leave my adorable little boy and handsome first born.

Actually, I am in the middle of a big decision right now, that is, to continue working or to stay at home. Well, actually I don’t really have a choice. Haha! Our monthly expenses are so huge that giving up my decent monthly salary and good benefits would mean a lot of adjustments and sacrifices not only for me but also for my husband and kids. Worse it could mean giving up our condo, transferring Marcus to a public school or cutting down our budget for food. Definitely I wouldn’t want any of that!

Choosing between two important thing is really hard, but what makes it even harder is when the one you really want is actually not the best choice.