The Baby is now a Lady

Exactly a year ago, I gave birth to our only daughter, Lia Anika. Months went so fast that now I no longer see an infant nor a baby, but a little lady trying her best to act like an adult. She’s so adorable that I cannot blame her father for being head over heels in love with her. :D

I just want to share with you what I went through as she was brought into the world.

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It was just a painful dream, or so I thought. The long and painful contractions woke me up at about past 6 in the morning. By then I realized my labor could already be starting, but I wanted to be sure. I stood up, went to the bathroom and then decided to sit on our sofa to wait for more contractions to come. They did come but they were still tolerable so I decided to go back to bed and try to get some sleep. But sleep never came because the pain was becoming more and more frequent and yes unbearable. Not wanting to wake my husband yet because he slept very late the night before, I did some last minute preparations by putting more things on my previously prepared maternity/baby bag. I also made a list of numbers that my yayas could refer to and set aside money for emergency purposes. All ready, I went back to our bedroom to tell my husband, but to my surprise he’s already up and doing something on the computer. So, I just told him I already need to be brought to the hospital.

Past 8 in the morning, the trip to the hospital was easy and comfortable except for moderate contractions every now and then. My husband dropped me to the emergency room and then parked the car, while a hospital attendant brought me immediately to pre-labor room.

At the pre-labor room, a belt was placed around my tummy which was connected to a machine that measured my contractions. While being interviewed by a resident doctor, another doctor measured me and guess what? I was already 5-6 centimeters dilated. I then heard the resident doctor talking to my ob-gyn and then my anesthesiologist on the phone to inform them of my condition.

During my last prenatal check-up, I already informed my ob-gyn that I wanted to be on Epidural anesthesia during labor. And according to her, epidural anesthesia will be administered when I am already 4cm dilated. And since I was already beyond that, on wheel chair I was brought to the labor room.

Everything happened so fast that in a couple of minutes I was already 7cm dilated and I was looking for my anesthesiologist who’s still on his way to the hospital. A nurse was beside me asking me questions which I think is her way of distracting me because the pain was getting more and more unbearable.

Finally I saw my anesthesiologist walking hurriedly and made instructions to prepare me for the epidural shot. But before the anesthesia was given, I felt an excruciating pain as my water bag finally broke. I could not think of a word to describe the pain and all I was able to do at that time was to moan and whimper. I was already 8cm dilated! 10-15 minutes after the epidural procedure, they were preparing me to be brought to the delivery room.

At the delivery room I finally saw my ob-gyn. Soft-spoken and pleasant as always, she started a conversation that I really did appreciate because it made me relax and feel comfortable again. The pain was no longer there, the shot finally reached my brain. Ready to deliver baby Lia, they instructed me to inhale and then push hard. After 4 times repeating the said procedure, 10:17 in the morning to be exact, Lia Anika was finally brought into the world. I praise God for a beautiful and healthy baby girl and for our safety during labor and delivery!

What scares me

Today as I was putting Lia to sleep, I was thinking, ‘Am I where I should be right now?’ Honestly, I felt unproductive having to spend so much time and effort dancing my baby to sleep. I love what I was doing but I thought maybe I should instead be doing some online work at that very moment or even be dressed in a corporate attire doing office work.

And then my mother’s words came to me like an answer to all the questions that’s been bothering me. She said, ‘There’s a big difference with you running the house instead of housemaids doing it.’

Since I was a child, I’ve convinced myself not to be a full-time housewife. Not because I thought of it as a menial job, but because I was afraid that I couldn’t match, more so surpass, the sacrifice that my mother did to bring up her 4 children.

Yet now I see myself doing exactly what she was doing decades ago. And it scares me.

It scares me because what if with all the effort that I am exerting just to meet my children’s different needs, I would still end up a failure in bringing out the best in them.

And even if they all grew up the persons they are destined to be, I’m scared to find myself searching for an identity because my children are all grown up and doesn’t need me the way they do now.

Above all, it scares me because for the first time I am not in control of my future.